by admin on February 26, 2010
Is the 7-Year Itch a Myth or Fact?
The seven-year itch was term coined after a 1955 film starring Marilyn Monroe in which she charmed her neighbor into straying while the wife and family are out of town for the summer. Since that time the term has come to mean disaster and infidelity in the life cycle of a marriage and sometimes viewed as a myth perpetuated by Hollywood.
However, this so called myth may be based on some degree of truth. According to several studies 95% of couples will express a decline in happiness and satisfaction in the first 10 years of marriage.
From the survey the researchers found that there were two general periods during which marriages suffered from angst and dissatisfaction. The first occurred after the fireworks and passion had subsided after the honeymoon phase or around year four. Then again this happened around year eight.
Others have a more anthropological view of things and believe that humans were designed to give birth every four years. This four-year span was enough for a couple to pair up, birth a child and rear it through infancy before splitting up for another coupling. This is a rather interesting view of marriage and life-time commitment but one which bears at least a comment. Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction? If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?
According to an anthropologist at the Human Evolutionary Studies from Rutgers University this represents a four year itch because of ‘biological programming’ and doesn’t have anything to do with sociological or emotional issues. Rather it has something to do with our desire to reproduce. Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction? If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?
On the other hand, according to other experts, the first decline at four years is normal as they adjust to their new titles, positions and responsibilities to each other. The second 8-year benchmark is often associated with the addition of children to the family. Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction? If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?
Couple who think they are going through a seven-year itch find they will begin to disagree with each other more, show less affection and share fewer romantic moments and thus feel generally unfulfilled in their marriages.
But, while some experts believe the seven year mark is more fiction or coincidence than reality statistics from the late 1980’s and early 1990’s show that the median duration of marriage that ended in divorce was 7.2 years.
Although the statistics don’t hold true for every couple there also seems to be steeper declines in satisfaction of marriage for couples who have had children. There are several theories as to why couples with children may find that their satisfaction with marriage declines but the one that makes the most sense is that they also have less time for themselves and each other with the increased responsibility. With decreased time to nurture their relationship feelings and closeness suffers. Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction? If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help? If not, then where does the myth come from?
With the information that researchers and psychologists have about relationships and marriage the best guess is that although there is a greater degree of dissatisfaction around year seven as couples learn to cope with the stressors of everyday life and a growing family, the definition wouldn’t normally be called an ‘itch’ but rather a realization that the relationship isn’t the honeymoon it once was. However, most couples find that with patience, compassion and mercy for themselves and each other they are able to work past the bumps in the road and move toward a satisfying long-term relationship that is satisfying into their retirement years.
The Real Problem is Not the Itch
The real problem is that people go into marriage with unrealistic, dysfunctional expectations. Dysfunctional? Really? Yes. Couples often approach marriage with the assumptions or expectations that marriage will be:
- Marriage will not require an enormous amount of effort to keep it alive and growing.
- Marriage ceases to be something of value as soon as the fireworks stop or lag.
- Once the spark leaves it means the marriage is dead without any possibility of reviving the electricity and pleasure.
- It’s OK to cheat if you don’t get caught. Besides, cheating is normal.
The striking thing about this list is not only that it is generally true of couples’ expectations, but it is 180 degrees in the opposite direction of how couples with long, healthy marriages view the marriage relationship.
by admin on February 26, 2010
Do you walk around with a sense that something isn’t right or a feeling of unease? You work to cover up your feelings for the sake of a peaceful marriage or to avoid conflicts with the family. Women who have difficulty with self-esteem or feel they have no self-worth are often more at risk of becoming involved in relationships where they are abused either verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically. Sometimes the signs of an abusive marriage or relationship isn’t recognized by either partner. If you are in an abusive relationship, marriage councelling is not likely to help. It’s more important that you understand what is going on and draw from the wisdom and planning that other people have developed while walking along similar roads to yours. Secrecy is your greatest enemy. Why? Because that’s how you lose perspective which leads to decisions that you have profound regrets about later.
Sometimes wives or husbands right off the behavior as moodiness or that the person is having a bad day. The abusers personality is often described as being high strung or difficult. And the abuser may or may not apologize. According to some experts there are approximately 4 million women who are physically battered each year. Some say it’s a conservative number and that this number can never really be determined. This physical battering between husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends has been a silent problem for years. Many times women are embarrassed or shocked to be the victims of abuse and so they try to hide it. The avoid marriage councelling. Sometimes the abused don’t recognize they are being abused. And sometimes the abused don’t feel as if they have a choice. There are warning signs that may or may not be evident in a dating relationship or may show up after the marriage has taken place. If and when you notice them take heed and watch carefully. Only through recognition will the abused be able to take the steps needed to protect themselves physically and mentally as well as the well-being of their children.
One warning sign of an abusive marriage or relationship is harsh, continual criticism of physical appearances. This type of abuse begins with seemingly innocent suggestions and progresses to demands or ridicule. This type of abuse escalates over time and often chooses to degrade physical appearance. Disrespect and dishonor will often lead to other forms of abuse. Have you heard of the saying that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? Fortunately this is often very true. To many times people get involved in relationships before getting to know the family. The fortunate part is that patterns of abuse are handed down from generation to generation within families.
Without individual or marriage councelling, a partner can lose self-confidence in a big way. This leads to huge distortions in excuse-making: “He didn’t really mean to hurt me… besides, it was my fault for making him angry.
An Ounce of Prevention or a Pound of Marriage Councelling Later?
Getting to know the family may be the best estimation that a dating partner has to get a glimpse into their possible future. Because abuse is such a secret it is usually hidden from people outside the family. But there are a few traits that can be identified in people who were raised in an abusive relationship. Alcohol or drug abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental or verbal abuse leave signs behind for years to come. If your partner doesn’t voluntarily give up the details you can ask questions to flush out the whole story.
Answers to questions about parents personalities, how parents resolved conflict, if one parent always gives in or how parents disciplined the children will give clues to how respect is handled in the family or reflect selfishness. Usually violent people can’t let go of their anger. They have a deep need to control their environment. And the rules of their control of their environment can change within minutes.
For instance the abuser may have certain rule about behavior in the home but these rules can change instantly if the change allows him or her to release their anger on the person being abused. These threats must be taken seriously. If the person you are dating or are married to has trouble managing their anger don’t overlook their behavior. Don’t pass off the behavior because they had a hard day, are high strung or were so sorry later. There are dangerous consequences of continuing the relationship. Does your partner: Destroy your personal belongings? Touch you in ways that hurt or scare you or forbids you from seeking medical attention? Make you feel humiliated? Dominate or control your behavior? Threaten you with violence? Or isolate you from friends and family? Control your money? If you answer yes to any of these questions these are signs of an abusive marriage or relationship. What if your partner: Checks up on you’re a lot? Listens in on your phone calls or constantly asks where you are. Puts you down. For example name-calling, criticism, or private/public humiliation. Justifies their jealously as a sign of love or threatens the people, family or pets you love. Then you are in an abusive marriage or relationship. The emotional scars from mental, physical, emotional or verbal abuse can last a lifetime. Regardless of the type of abuse you may have suffered, or your gender, learning to identify the situation correctly by the signs of an abusive marriage or relationship will help you to remove yourself and your loved ones before there are more serious consequences.
For more resources and tips see Marriage-Councelling-Tips.com.
