Marriage and the workaholic
Have you heard women or men complain before that their spouse is married to their job? Maybe that person is even you. Your spouse stays late at work and gets up early each morning to beat everyone else to the office.
Do you wonder why you have drifted apart and feel disconnected from your spouse? Do you feel like you are saying hello and goodbye in the same sentence each day? It’s time to stop and take stock of what’s happening in your lives.
Men who are workaholics aren’t as fashionable as they once were. Referred to as ‘direct deposit daddies’ the man who once provided for his family through long hours and no involvement is no longer revered. The expectation is still that men will provide for the family but there is an expectation of a more balanced life.
A workaholic has an unhealthy tie to their work and find all of their self-esteem and justification through work. They are addicted to work, career and getting ahead. They often believe they are the only one who can do the job correctly and have a need for control at work.
These symptoms are often the sign of a man who is insecure in his position at the company. They take little time for family, hobbies, or just relaxing. There is no balance in their lives.
Marriage and the workaholic has dangers. These dangers include loneliness in both partners that can lead to finding someone else to fill the void. It can start as a casual friendship but may also lead to deeper friendship and adultery. Busyness takes precedence over spending time with the spouse, family and friends. And because there is a lack of interest in things that used to bring you happiness there is also a danger of depression.
Men and women who suffer from being a workaholic also suffer from a higher risk of health problems that are a result of a lack of balance in their lives, fatigue and lack of exercise. Mental health problems and stress related issues also become more apparent in the person who is suffering from being a workaholic.
But there are remedies to marriage and the workaholic. The first is to recognize the problem as a real problem and not something that is imagined or made up. And the next is to realize that there is help for both of you. There are others that are in the same boat and who can offer you advice, support and brainstorm ways of dealing with specific situations because they have lived through it themselves.
If you choose to approach your husband or wife initially there are ways of doing it without making them feel attacked. It’s likely that this isn’t the first conversation about the number of work hours, the lack of time spent with you or the children and the wear and tear this is having on their health. But it must be a conversation where there are no accusations, fingers pointed or buttons pushed. The conversation should be approached from your standpoint and not the standpoint of the spouse who is a workaholic.
In other words the conversation should be approached with statement such as: “I feel lonely when you are away so often,”, “Is there anything I can do to make your work less stressful,” ,”It feels like you are under a great deal of stress right now, is there anything I can do to help?” Your spouse should feel and understand that you are trying to be supportive instead of accusing them of not being home, missing the last four of the kids events, or forgetting your birthday.
Don’t take no for an answer. Stress that this is your problem and you need their help. You want them to know that you are lonely and you miss the relationship you once shared. Ask them if they would be willing to try a few things that would help you to feel more connected. If you approach the problem as yours instead of accusing them of having a problem you are more likely to get a positive response.
Approach your spouse when they seem to be under less stress than usual. Don’t wait until they aren’t stressed at all because that day may never come.
Ask them if they would be willing to try some of the following things:
Set time apart to spend with you – even if it’s only 10 minutes each day.
During that time ask your spouse to be open about what was troubling that day and you also be honest without accusing.
Set one night a week when you and your spouse sit down to dinner with the entire family; no television, no sporting events, no newspaper, radio or iPods. This is not negotiable for the kids.
Have a special date night once a month. Celebrate your love for each other and do things that used to make you both happy.
Take one day each week when you spend several hours resting and relaxing. Rest is important to the body and it’s needed for your brain and emotions to recharge.
Ask your spouse to take a step back and take a good look at their life. Notice some of the things that are being sacrificed because of the time and attention spent at work. If the work environment needs to change maybe the help of a professional counselor to help find another job or field of work that may help to decrease the number of hours spent at work will help to improve home life.
Oftentimes people turn to entrepreneurial business to work from home and attempt to decrease their hours. Unfortunately those people who are more prone to being a workaholic will also find a way to pour hours and hours of their time into a business that they own in order to help it grow, especially in the early years. This may not be the best option possible.
Suggest to your spouse that you may want to take walks together each night. This will increase the time spent connecting as well as increasing the amount of physical activity they enjoy. When we are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained we are more likely to make poor choices, become ill or to eventually lose our jobs.
Marriage and the workaholic is difficult because oftentimes the workaholic feels that financial security is the excuse for the number of hours that they work. The realization may come that if all that is done is work then you will lose the relationships you have with your spouse and your children.
Although difficult to approach without becoming angry and hurt, a soft and gentle approach to the workaholic is more likely to garner positive, life changing results rather than an angry hurtful one. This is a task that is important enough that discussion with a trusted friend and role playing before the discussion can help you to maintain your cool and your ability to help your spouse see your side of the problem.
