Is the 7-Year Itch a Myth or Fact?

The seven-year itch was term coined after a 1955 film starring Marilyn Monroe in which she charmed her neighbor into straying while the wife and family are out of town for the summer. Since that time the term has come to mean disaster and infidelity in the life cycle of a marriage and sometimes viewed as a myth perpetuated by Hollywood.

However, this so called myth may be based on some degree of truth. According to several studies 95% of couples will express a decline in happiness and satisfaction in the first 10 years of marriage.

From the survey the researchers found that there were two general periods during which marriages suffered from angst and dissatisfaction. The first occurred after the fireworks and passion had subsided after the honeymoon phase or around year four. Then again this happened around year eight.

Others have a more anthropological view of things and believe that humans were designed to give birth every four years. This four-year span was enough for a couple to pair up, birth a child and rear it through infancy before splitting up for another coupling. This is a rather interesting view of marriage and life-time commitment but one which bears at least a comment.  Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction?   If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?

According to an anthropologist at the Human Evolutionary Studies from Rutgers University this represents a four year itch because of ‘biological programming’ and doesn’t have anything to do with sociological or emotional issues. Rather it has something to do with our desire to reproduce.  Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction?   If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?

On the other hand, according to other experts, the first decline at four years is normal as they adjust to their new titles, positions and responsibilities to each other. The second 8-year benchmark is often associated with the addition of children to the family.  Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction?   If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?

Couple who think they are going through a seven-year itch find they will begin to disagree with each other more, show less affection and share fewer romantic moments and thus feel generally unfulfilled in their marriages.

But, while some experts believe the seven year mark is more fiction or coincidence than reality statistics from the late 1980’s and early 1990’s show that the median duration of marriage that ended in divorce was 7.2 years.

Although the statistics don’t hold true for every couple there also seems to be steeper declines in satisfaction of marriage for couples who have had children. There are several theories as to why couples with children may find that their satisfaction with marriage declines but the one that makes the most sense is that they also have less time for themselves and each other with the increased responsibility. With decreased time to nurture their relationship feelings and closeness suffers.  Is the 7-year itch fact or fiction?   If it is a “normal” stage of married life, can marriage councelling help?  If not, then where does the myth come from?

With the information that researchers and psychologists have about relationships and marriage the best guess is that although there is a greater degree of dissatisfaction around year seven as couples learn to cope with the stressors of everyday life and a growing family, the definition wouldn’t normally be called an ‘itch’ but rather a realization that the relationship isn’t the honeymoon it once was. However, most couples find that with patience, compassion and mercy for themselves and each other they are able to work past the bumps in the road and move toward a satisfying long-term relationship that is satisfying into their retirement years.

The Real Problem is Not the Itch

The real problem is that people go into marriage with unrealistic, dysfunctional expectations.  Dysfunctional? Really?  Yes.  Couples often approach marriage with the assumptions or expectations that marriage will be:

1. Marriage will not require an enormous amount of effort to keep it alive and growing.
2. Marriage ceases to be something of value as soon as the fireworks stop or lag.
3. Once the spark leaves it means the marriage is dead without any possibility of reviving the electricity and pleasure.
4. It’s OK to cheat if you don’t get caught. Besides, cheating is normal.

The striking thing about this list is not only that it is generally true of couples’ expectations, but it is 180 degrees in the opposite direction of how couples with long, healthy marriages view the marriage relationship.

Marriage counselors often find that communication techniques, tools, and concepts, can’t save a marriage if there is not an underlying love.  The problem, however, is that most people operate on an inadequate idea of what love is:

love = the romantic feeling we had when we first met or started having sex

What do you think?  Could you define love?  Try this:

love = a series of choices to work toward what is really good for another person

It’s said that love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. These days there may need to be a better phrase, since less and less people can even remember horse-drawn carriages, but it does make for a nice rhyme! Is it true that love and marriage cannot exist without one another, and why is that?

Many people try to think of marriage in a logical way. It’s a convenient arrangement where two people can split expenses and share responsibilities, and have someone to take care of them when they need it. But in reality, you can have a roommate with which to share expenses and hire someone to take care of you when you’re sick. Love and marriage belong together because marriage is a legal contract, but not just a business agreement. It is based on emotions of love, respect, and attraction. While over the years your love may seem as if it varies a bit – that strong physical attraction will fade, you will become more comfortable with each other and less excited every time that person is around – it will still be very strong as your dedication to each other continues. While love and marriage may at times seem as if they are at odds, in reality it’s that love that keeps two people together for the long haul. Trying to separate that love and marriage is a big reason as to why some marriages fade – couples try to force themselves to stay together for the sake of the children or try to reason with themselves that an abusive partner isn’t really that bad, and so on. Couples no longer act with love, and marriage is then compromised.

When two people love each other, do they necessarily need to get married? It’s interesting how many generations felt that living together was just as good as being legally married and there are some couples who have been able to make this work for many years, but there are some reasons to consider why love and marriage are intertwined. Far too many couples that simply live together still have the idea that if it doesn’t work out, they can just easily get up and leave. Obviously you can get out of a marriage also, but by leaving that door open for them by not getting married, couples seem to be betraying a lack of commitment to one another. It’s also true that their lives may not be as intertwined as they would think. Many often look at the arrangement as being “my things” and “their things” and “my friends” and “their friend,” whereas married couples usually see most things as “ours” and fewer things as “mine” or “yours.” So for most, love and marriage are connected because this is the best way to show their true commitment to each other and to really make sure that their lives are separate in some ways but joined in the most important of ways.

A budget doesn’t have to stop you from spending time together away from it all. In fact, planning ahead makes the trip more romantic, because money is the last thing you have to think about. Instead you can concentrate on each other, which is the whole point of a romantic getaway in the first place, right?  If you simply cannot pull this off without fighting and arguing than you best spend the money instead on high-quality marriage councelling.

On the other hand, consider this:  when couples go to marriage councelling the therapist usually assigns homework.    This can involve reading something, discussing something, or doing a communication exercise.  It can also include planning a romantic getaway.

But do you really need to pay for marriage councelling so that someone can tell you to plan a getaway?

What’s stopping you from enjoying fun in the sun surrounded by crystal clear waters? For many the top reason they can’t enjoy the romantic getaway of their dreams is due to the price tag. When people think of romantic getaways, they think of faraway places in exotic locales and normally these types of vacations aren’t very friendly on the wallet. Don’t give up though. These are not the only romantic getaways to be enjoyed.

Think of it this way,  if you plan these getaways before your marriage is in crisis you could be using the money you might be spending on marriage councelling on romantic getaway instead.  Instead of thinking of a budget as restrictive, think of it as the first step in your plan to enjoy a worry-free romantic getaway. Look to your budget as a friend who helps keep you in check, not the enemy keeping you from experiencing the romantic getaway you want. These helpful hints will guide you in planning a romantic getaway on a budget.

1. Plan Early – The best deals are normally found far in advance of the trip. By planning ahead you may find that you can afford to budget a romantic jaunt once every season instead of just once a year. Once a month is also doable if you keep the trips simple.
2. Rent a Car - Cheaper rental prices can be found if you pick up the car on Thursday and return it on a Monday. This is a good way to travel without adding mileage to your own car. For locations that are not too far away but require a bit of time driving, use the road trip to spend time talking and enjoying the scenery along the way.
3. Explore Your Own State – We often think of a getaway as leaving our state, but any change of location that is relaxing and romantic is a great way for couples to spend time together. Check out the mountains and beaches in your state. Each state has points of interest. For example, in the state of North Carolina, there are romantic cabins and hotels in mountainous areas like Asheville. There are also beachfront views in Wilmington and the Outer Banks.
4. Take a Bus Tour – Bus tours take trips to many popular places. These are coach tour buses with comfortable seating. Many times the cost of the trip includes hotel rooms and food. You can take a weekend trip to wine country, casinos, or other locations without spending a penny on gas or having the dreaded worry of doing the driving.
5. All Inclusive Resorts – If the romantic getaway is to last three or four days, research all inclusive trips. With these deals, airfare, hotel, and food are included. A number of activities are included in the package so you don’t have to leave the resort if you don’t want to. Mexico, the Caribbean, and Hawaii are just a few places that have all-inclusive resorts.