Sometimes Marriage Communication Skill Means No Call to Action
In sales people are trained to always communicate with a “call to action.” The car sales person wants you to sign the paperwork. The door-to-door saleswoman wants you to invite her in. The internet ad says, “click here.”
Sometimes, in marriage, we can use our communication skill of NOT asking our spouse to do something. Instead, you plant the seed.
What does this mean?
It means that you float the idea without asking, “What do you think?” You deliberately and intentionally refrain from asking your spouse for his or her initial reaction–especially if you already suspect it will be negative.
Actually, this requires more than one communications skill. Let’s look at some of them.
Communication Skill #1: Let the Idea Germinate by Painting Word Pictures
How do you let your idea germinate in the mind of your spouse? Whenever you talk about your idea, you must paint a word picture of one of the benefits. Appeal to all five senses. The steps go something like this:
- Talk about that trip as a fantasy. Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing in your own mind? Do not ask for feedback. This is just the blah blah blah stage. But it’s vivid blah blah blah.
- Some days or weeks (not hours) talk about the idea describing a very vivid scene. “Yesterday at the stop light I found myself thinking about that white sand on my relaxed, bare feet…” Again, do not ask for a decision or even a comment. If a negative comment comes, just say, “I know, I know, I’m just thinking about it.”
- Let more time go by.
- Talk about another positive aspect of your idea and give reasons why it interests you. Then end by saying, “It’s just an idea. Just think about it.”
- Let more time go by.
- Be patient.
- From time to time, talk about the idea without any pressure. You are simply polling your spouse from time to time to see if the idea is growing in his or her mind. It’s like checking the garden to see if the carrot seeds have germinated.
- Once you are sure that he or she has been thinking about it, then you can softly, gently talk about how you see some of the practical details working out. At this stage, you are trying to address the question of feasibility. It’s not yet a full blown plan. In fact, you don’t want to present a plan. Why? Because it’s your plan, not the plan that the two of you came up with together. Give your spouse a chance to make up his or her mind out the idea without any timeline attached. It’s easier to enjoy the fantasy of an idea without having to put money down.
Communication Skill #2: Be Sincere and Not Manipulative
This way of introducing a new idea to your spouse is not about manipulation. It’s about being respectful of the rate at which people accept new ideas. Think of the golden rule: wouldn’t you rather have your spouse give you time to mull something over instead of pressing for a decision?
One could argue that being sincere is not a communication skill, but rather a character quality. But I disagree. I think sincerity in marriage should be intentional. You make a decision to have no trickery. You don’t hide certain facts that you know detract from you idea. Your communication skill is seen in your timing.
Communication Skill #3: Watch Your Tone and Your Demeanor
Here’s what NOT to do: “Honey, I saw this ad for a package deal to Hawaii, but I didn’t really look at it because I knew you would just see the price tag…”
Eliminate sarcasm, be positive. Remember that often our spouse will end up mirroring back to us our own attitudes.
Communication Skill #4: Be Patient in the Process of Change
Introducing new ideas is much more like gardening than it is about selling. When you plant a garden you can’t just say, “I’ll just put all the water on the garden now, so I don’t have to water it again.” Obviously, that doesn’t work. But it’s amazing how many spouses introduce an idea and then press for commitment and decision in the same conversation. Remember the golden rule. Do you like to be hit like that with a new idea from your spouse?
These communication skills are not for every occasion. There are times when you have to confront. But most people seem to go to confrontation (or total avoidance) too quickly.
